So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
