how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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