Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We have so much sex to catch up on
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
