Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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