When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
