We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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