I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In other news, I just burned my penis
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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