i permit you to call me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
