My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
