Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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