Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize