I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize