someone threw a dead crab at me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
