we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
