That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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