I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
