im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize