I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
