she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
