I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
