Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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