Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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