Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
