I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
