The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
