So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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