i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
