Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
