i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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