break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
