too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
