One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
