Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
