I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
