it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
