i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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