Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
