This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There's always time for handjobs
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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