new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
