my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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