He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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