I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
