You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
