It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
