I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
