Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize