the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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