on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
