I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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