Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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