I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
