Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
