well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
