Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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