Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize