every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's blow job season.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize