We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
